What happens when your sex life dwindles?
How can the flame be reignited?
Lying on the physio table realigning my dodgy hips, my physio chatted happily about her pending marriage. Through the yelps and jerks of pain, I asked her about her sex life.
‘Well after the wedding, how important is sex really? Marriage is not all about sex, and I know my fiancé is committed to the long haul.’
I’ll admit, I was rendered speechless, but knew this was an honest appraisal of her feelings.
She said once we get to the ‘no need to have sex’ phase in their relationship, the solid bond of friendship far outweighs the need for sex.
What is that about? I know there are a million and one reasons people get married, but surely epic fun shagging is one of them? I have a simple philosophy, no matter how broke, depressed, stressed out or overwhelmed you feel, a great shag is free and fun and will leave you feeling better about all of it! I can hear all the excuses screaming at me…but I’m busy, I can’t get it up/get wet when I’m overwhelmed with life, the children, the in-laws, I have no time with the deadlines looming, I’m hardly at home…. And so it goes on.
Why do people think it’s okay to enter into a contract, let’s call it marriage, have loads of sex initially… great chandelier swinging sex… and then decide one day that it’s done, and no longer revisit the whole sex thing again. How is that okay?
Is it a case of, we’ve had our children now, explored the sex, had a bit of fun; so let’s tick that box, buy the T-Shirt and move swiftly along.
I guess this argument could hold water, but that’s given we only have sex to procreate. As a species when we meet and date and sooner or later have sex, it’s not merely to procreate.
So convince your partner into thinking you enjoy having his cock in your mouth/sucking her, love riding him like a cowgirl/taking her from behind or can’t wait to feel his cum splash all over your face. But the moment you have the pigeon pair its goodnight nurse, business is closed.
If this is the case, then sex before marriage/children should be labelled ‘rehearsals’ in the marriage contract. The Honeymoon is the tele novella season, and children are the season finalé.
Women in their thirties and forties are reported to be having more sex than those in their twenties. And men average three orgasms a week from their thirty’s onwards until forever… So how does this equation work… couples in their thirty’s until let’s say their late sixties should be having an average of 2 shags a week?
Then why oh why does every couple I speak to tell me that they never have sex with their partners anymore?
No seriously, some of these couples have not had sex in four years.
They’ve got the t-shirt, done the time and now they sit about drinking tea and watching telly?
A relationship involves at least a triangle of needs. All needs are seldom fulfilled all the time, but to completely terminate the physical in a relationship is a recipe for disaster.
If you are both happy with the ‘no sex deal,’and I know many couples genuinely are, read no further.
But I have seldom met a couple that are both happy to have no sex at all. Invariably one of the parties is dissatisfied with the output or is that input?
So what should they do? Live on a diet of wanking and toys? Have an affair?
We have heard all the suggestions of you ‘need to talk to your partner, discuss your needs, communicate’ etc.
This can translate into maintenance sex. A hand out to keep the wolf from the door. But for those that have the ‘not enough sex’ deal, they know they are merely being offered sloppy seconds; and sure it’s not just about sex but about intimacy and warmth with your partner. But for now, I focus on the physical act of sex.
[Please read my article ‘Intimacy. What is it Really?’]
There is no definitive answer to this conundrum, but in an ideal world the solution shouldn’t be an affair or rampant wanking.
How can couples invigorate a tired sex life?
Let’s face it, shagging the same person for 10, 20, 50 years takes its toll. Talk about been there done that, seen it all before.
I call it re inventing the wheel.
Leave your comfort zones and try something new. What haven’t you explored?
Location – For starters, move out of the bedroom; maybe try outside or in the lounge/dining room/kitchen etc.
Fondle or suck his/her cock/clitoris when driving to the movies. In short find the gap and look for the adventure.
Time of day– Do you always have sex at night or in the morning? Mix it up. Look for the element of surprise. Routine is good, but change is as good as a holiday.
Foreplay – In 2020 [if you are in a committed relationship – I am not advocating random dick pics] why not send a sexy picture to your partner, or a saucy text? Ramp up the energy ahead of time, so thoughts of sex are already swirling in your partners mind. This helps combat the ‘I’m so exhausted at the end of the day’ thing.
Play Things – Why not introduce toys. Whether it be a couples sex toy, handcuffs, spanking paddle, sexy underwear, massage oils, edibles etc. The options are endless. Erotic literature is also a great way to fire up the imagination. If nothing else these options could start a conversation. And if both parties are comfortable with porn, it can be an effective way to turn couples on.
Communicate – I know it’s the obvious and as I admitted earlier, can lead to sympathy sex, but if you combine this with actions, you may discover there is a real shift. Express your needs and wants – over time these invariably have changed. Be open to hearing things that may make you feel uncomfortable, these conversations could lead to new adventures in pleasure.
Compliment – Find the positive. It’s easy to moan; with all the pressures of life we often forget to pay a compliment or even thank our partners. Remember the days when you flirted? Why not revisit that?
Laugh – We all know laughter is the best medicine. There are even laughter workshops given to help us reignite what used to come naturally. It sounds crazy, but smiling and laughing really does work to change a negative, depressed mindset. It also uses the abdominal muscles, so call it a warm up for sex.
See your partner – Time changes everyone. Our shape, hair, skin, fitness levels, sex drives and the list goes on. So many couples complain they don’t find their partners sexy anymore. They have put on weight, carried children, have a beer belly, let themselves go. Don’t shy away from the changes. Talk about them, acknowledge them. [Read my article titled I Don’t Find my Partner Attractive anymore]
Get Away – This isn’t always possible what with financial pressure so high, but if it is…it’s a no brainer.
Imagine – ‘Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.’ – Carl Sagan It’s been said that the imagination is the most powerful tool we have. Use it. Share it. Imagination is your gateway to discovering new sexual worlds. If you aren’t comfortable sharing your fantasies with your partner, there is still every good reason to use where you journey in your head to help you reached where you need to go in reality.
When all is said and done, you have to want to invigorate your sex life. Is this the person you want to sit on the porch with and watch the sunrise, when you are 80? If the answer is yes, then it’s worth putting in the effort now.
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